Suicide is painless…

Can’t sleep so here I am just rambling, spewing verbal vomit. Been thinking about suicide & death again; and the older I get the more I understand why someone would do it. I’m not contemplating it by the way, I’m just typing/thinking out loud. My life is easy compared to most and yet there is still a lingering despair that creeps in from time to time. It’s not quite a state of depression, but maybe a short version of it. I try to be conscious of my own thoughts but sometimes I drift into hopelessness; like what else is there? And why am I still alive? The death of my mom affects me still (out of nowhere sometimes), and there are days when I don’t want to live. But I know everyone experiences this to a certain degree so I don’t feel as bad. Because of my own awareness, I make myself snap out of it & remind myself that I have it good. That I am healthy, that I am loved. That there is a purpose for my existence even if I don’t see it. That I have to keep going somehow.

Our worst enemy is our own mind.

I wonder if I had a different lifestyle – stayed busy constantly, filled my life up with activities, maybe even had a kid…would I feel any different? Or would I just be burying my despair even deeper, by actually hiding it?

Dear personal website,

Sorry for neglecting you. But I’ve spent years customizing you, filling you up with original content and now I barely pay attention to you or log on to see my stats. You see, you were a major part of my ego. And that ego was self-serving, never satisfied & always wanting more. I had built it up for years, only to finally break it down. But that’s a good thing, because I learned so much along the way & no longer desire it…at least not for myself.

Even though I am not completely free of this ego, it doesn’t get in the way as much. Sometimes I am still competitive, and want to come out on top without even realizing it. Sometimes I’ll talk shit, but then who doesn’t? But most of the time now, I just don’t care. I still aim to do my best though in whatever I do and that’s what I mainly care about.

So thanks for being a part of me. I am trying to save money these days, like be on a real budget like a real adult and shit. And so I have been debating on whether to let you go (domains & web hosting) just to have less payments.

So maybe the next time all 5 of my regular visitors decide to visit, there won’t be a shermgrafik / savethesavages.com no more. And if you read this, you will know why.

xo

Very sporadic postings

Remember when blogging was more of a personal thing? Now that major brands big & small have caught on, it doesn’t seem as personal. Now people blog to promote something – so they can stay relevant, rank on Google & promote their business or product – rather than blogging just to express anything personal or creative.

I kinda miss those personal blogs. As soon as we got older & more experienced, we close up because we’re too aware of what people might think – that we might offend someone or sound lame when we’re writing out our thoughts…

I’m back on Instagram…sorta.

In typical fashion, I deleted my first account because I’m slowly morphing into an antisocial creature most of the time and can’t handle too many people electronically & in real life. But I am back and will attempt to stay and post regular drawings & paintings. I hope this will get my art game back up. Also, I need to stay off the computer more often after work because my eyes have gotten blurry and I was experiencing double vision for a minute. It made me feel like an old person & I’m not quite there yet. So…

Save the Savages on Instagram

Dear Universe,

I don’t want to do print anymore. I’ve discovered in the last 6 months that I enjoy working on web stuff more than I do print. So I only want to do internet work from here on out – specifically web design work involving HTML / CSS, WordPress then Javascript & PHP eventually. I am SO bored with print, where as internet (though it can get frustrating real quick) gives me more of a challenge. I still have A LOT to learn, and I’m always learning but I can’t learn it and use what I learned consistently if I’m still stuck doing print. Bleh. I can’t stress enough how quickly I start to feel bored when I have to do print – it is the bane of my work life. Don’t get me wrong – I am grateful to be working and doing the kind of work that I am naturally good at, but I am already thinking about my next move.

The mind never rests until it gets what it wants. It is always thinking, always looking forward to the next thing. It is never satisfied. Existence is suffering.

Sincerely,
me

Done with school…for now.

It’s been a while since I’ve written in here. I just completed 10 weeks of Front End Web Development class; I really learned a lot and I’m happy that I can use this for work-related stuff – which I’m already doing. There were times when I wanted to drop it, I didn’t want to drive to Santa Monica, blah blah blah, excuses excuses but I stuck it out. It also helps that my instructor was very helpful and encouraging. Even though I am naturally quiet and don’t ask a lot of questions, I really appreciated the whole learning experience and it was inspiring to see everyone’s final project.

I hope to keep the learning spark going. It’s quite easy to get demotivated and to slip back into laziness. This post is a reminder to not get lazy!

I haven’t been drawing or sketching…

and I’m kinda mad at myself for not doing so. I keep putting it off, like it’s this huge undertaking that I have to do…but I know it doesn’t have to be. I hope to start making it a regular habit again, and not be so harsh on myself if I’m not creating anything cool or worthy of a social media post. Just allowing my mind to wander on paper.

Suffering for the actions of others

If one person takes advantage of a situation and eventually gets caught…

usually his or her peers are the ones who have to pay for it.

Be mindful of your actions and be considerate towards your fellow man / woman.

You caught me in a different time, with a different mind…

Some people probably wonder why I don’t paint graffiti as much as I used to. The answer to that is: I don’t know.

Perhaps all the magical & alluring things that attracted me to it in the first place have gone. Maybe I just got old and lazy. Maybe certain life events made me lose motivation & my desire to paint / create. Maybe I was building up my ego through it and it no longer serves me. Maybe I put a lot of my time & energy at work. I don’t know. I’m trying to figure it out myself. I’m still hoping I will get that fire back but in the meantime – I’m focusing on just living a simple life, enjoying it day by day and learning the things that I want to learn for personal growth (and to keep myself employed).

The bottom line is: it doesn’t really matter what people think…as long as YOU’RE happy right now. And I am happy with the life I created for myself.

Attitude adjustment

I wish I had more interesting things to say on here; but most of the time I am just a broken record, perpetually bitching about something work-related. Hooray.

Most of the things that irritate me have to do with other people. So what’s the solution here…not work with people? That in itself just sounds impossible and ridiculous. Sure it might be fun for a little bit. And as much as I can’t stand working and being around too many people we all need someone to bounce ideas off each other.

I am a small group type of person myself. I work best with people who are open-minded and have different points of views, but we can also come to an agreement on something without our egos getting in the way and move forward. I can’t stand when people make me change things based on their personal preference or because they don’t like something or because they just “know it all”.

So where is this post going and why is it called “Attitude adjustment”? I’m trying to keep my negativity to a minimum. I no longer want to dwell on it or express it too much because if I do…that is all I will continue to get in return. Not to say I’m going to be this super happy, positive, optimistic person 24/7, but I’m sure you get my drift.

It’s all about intentions and manifesting good things.

Unpopularity

Whenever something I love becomes popular or trendy, I lose interest; I tend to go the opposite way and look for something else to get into. Same goes with subject matter in my artwork; if other people start to paint the same things, then it’s time for me to change it up. I might be going in a weird direction and nobody might not like it as much, but does it matter? If it feels right to you, then that’s all that matters. And so here I am on this lonely trip to nowhere, exploring the outer regions of nothingness…

A quote from Saul Bass

I want everything we do to be beautiful. I don’t give a damn whether the client understands that that’s worth anything, or that the client thinks it’s worth anything, or whether it is worth anything. It’s worth it to me. It’s the way I want to live my life. I want to make beautiful things, even if nobody cares.
— SAUL BASS

The Hermit IX

I keep trying to figure out where it is I actually fit in…and I’ve come to realize that I really don’t (or won’t ever) fit in anywhere. And so be it.

The Hermit card has been coming up a lot for me. When you look at the card, it doesn’t seem like anything is going on (an old man on top of a mountain, carrying a stick and lantern). And yet he carries a lantern that is illuminated; everything is happening inward for the Hermit, going on some kind of journey and searching within yourself, questioning things about your life, coming up with your own answers and getting to know yourself better along the way so you don’t repeat certain destructive thought patterns.

To those who feel alone, just know that you are never alone. There are unseen energies constantly guiding you, helping you on a very subtle level.

To those who feel like nothing’s happening for them in this life, be patient. Things never happen at the time you want them to, but they will happen. It will all make sense when you look back later on.

Just Be Good To Me – The S.O.S Band

Even when you feel miserable, there’s always something to be grateful for…so count your blessings ESPECIALLY when you’re feeling down. Remember that it could always be worse.

Death XIII

 

I’m still learning about the tarot; what I’ve discovered in the last few months is that every time I pull cards (around 3 to 5), certain cards will appear to me over and over every few days or so until the person or event it’s alluding to comes in to your life and then you say to yourself ‘Ah, so that’s what it was’. Well today, Death appeared to me this morning unexpectedly; but as today’s events unfolded, the card made total sense.

Divinatory meaning: an important ending that will initiate great change. It signals the end of an era, a moment when a door is closing.

some not-so-random thoughts

 

I can’t sleep so here I am talking to myself…

– work’s been whatever. too many pointless meetings and I hate it. I want out but not even sure what I want to do next; I think as long as I’m designing, learning, growing and being challenged; have awesome, drama-free co-workers and not have to be in stupid meetings, I’m happy. I don’t have too many demands. life’s never perfect though, there’s always some kind of catch even when I get what I want.

– because work’s been whatever, I’ve been considering going part-time or freelance or both. Oh and btw, if you or someone you know needs a simple website done, I can do that.

– other than that, life’s been good to me. I really can’t ask for anything more than maybe a bigger place to live. I used to want more money, but even that comes with more stress and expectations to do more than what’s on your plate. I also want to visit friends minus the travel anxieties.

– I had a great weekend; it’s good to be around genuinely nice, chill people. I’d like to thank my husband for getting everything handled. I would be lost without him.

– I’d rather be alone and have no friends than associate with douchebags; if that’s the company you keep then I probably won’t come around. too many people play the fake humble card now, I can still see right through you. you may be an awesome artist to the clueless, adoring public but first impressions don’t lie; you’re still a mega-douche.

S13

So much for trying to blog regularly on here…work’s been keeping me stupid busy. I’ve been plotting my exit strategy, but it might take some time. And I must mentally get out of my comfort zone; even though you don’t like what’s happening you start to get used to the way things are, becoming more resistant to change. I think that’s how most people live their lives, being comfortably miserable and feeling like they don’t deserve something better.

At least I got to paint a little with old friends, albeit rusty! Perhaps you will see more from me this year…maybe. Maybe, baby.

2005 post

There was a time when I was obsessing over graffiti when I was coming up; I was digging thru old files recently and found this:

shermgrafik-2005.jpg

Wow, I sound really dumb…and yet there is some truth in it. Life is weird like that.