Can’t sleep so here I am just rambling, spewing verbal vomit. Been thinking about suicide & death again; and the older I get the more I understand why someone would do it. I’m not contemplating it by the way, I’m just typing/thinking out loud. My life is easy compared to most and yet there is still a lingering despair that creeps in from time to time. It’s not quite a state of depression, but maybe a short version of it. I try to be conscious of my own thoughts but sometimes I drift into hopelessness; like what else is there? And why am I still alive? The death of my mom affects me still (out of nowhere sometimes), and there are days when I don’t want to live. But I know everyone experiences this to a certain degree so I don’t feel as bad. Because of my own awareness, I make myself snap out of it & remind myself that I have it good. That I am healthy, that I am loved. That there is a purpose for my existence even if I don’t see it. That I have to keep going somehow.
Our worst enemy is our own mind.
I wonder if I had a different lifestyle – stayed busy constantly, filled my life up with activities, maybe even had a kid…would I feel any different? Or would I just be burying my despair even deeper, by actually hiding it?