hey friends if you’re reading this, i can’t get on gayspace…too much lag. i think i should’ve just stayed off that shit for good when i had the chance. but noooo, my browser kept leading me back to that site. so in the meantime i’ll be here, working and blogging by myself, LOL.

i really hate that i have to depend on myspace to keep up with people, that shit is going downhill with all the apps and new features they keep adding on to it.

i’ve come to realize that i’m not much of a blogger person…i don’t have a lot lot to say…and when i do, it’s usually about me anyway, which in my perception, makes me come off as self-absorbed…and i don’t like that…i’m surrounded by enough self-absorbed people as is! no need to add myself in the mix. how could some people just not be aware that all they do is talk about themselves? no “hello, how are you” just “let’s talk about me me me!”. so i won’t be airing anything out as much on here. back to being vague and quiet…but then i could totally contradict myself and change my mind…after all, the brain is full of contradictions.

my life has been filled with negative energy lately; i’m not even stressed out or anything…i just feel like there’s a general staleness in the air. this seems to be the ongoing theme in my life…not sure what to do about it. maybe i should step out of my comfort zone and ride a bike to work? it’s only 3.39 miles.

1. i am overdue for a real vacation, like out of the country.

2. i would like to find that one cool design job where learning is encouraged; the energy is good and i can stay there for a long time.

3. i am tired of people who aren’t there for me when i need them; oh, but when YOU need something from ME, i tend to respond quickly to your needs. so what gives? i’m not even a demanding friend or anything…i’m actually pretty chill. but it’s really fuckin’ annoying when a person can’t even give a simple reply and it makes me not want to hang out with anyone for a while…i feel the need to retreat back to the hermit life.

4. Flash is really hard to learn; i reach a certain point and then i give up out of frustration. i have been trying to learn it since 2002! but i refuse to give up. i will conquer that program someday. nerd life.

5. for some reason blogging about all this crap made me feel better.

ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO DO IN LIFE SOMETIMES. ALL I KNOW FOR SURE IS THAT ART AND DESIGN HAVE TO BE A MAJOR PORTION OF IT, BUT OFTEN I GET PULLED INTO OTHER AREAS THAT FORCE ME TO PUT THAT ASIDE AND LEARN OTHER THINGS AND BE THIS “JACK OF ALL TRADES, MASTER OF NONE” KIND OF PERSON. IT ALSO HAS TO DO WITH MAKING A LIVING AND FINDING THAT BACKUP CAREER PLAN THAT YOU CAN LIVE WITH I GUESS. I DON’T KNOW…I’M NOT REALLY COMPLAINING, I’VE ACTUALLY LEARNED A LOT FROM HAVING TO SOLVE PROBLEMS AND FIGURING OUT HOW TO DO STUFF…JUST THAT IT WOULD BE NICE TO FOCUS ON ONE THING AND GET REALLY GOOD AT IT.

I ACTUALLY HAVE MORE TO SAY ABOUT IT BUT I’LL JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT FOR NOW.

ALSO THAT POSTER HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT I’M BLOGGING ABOUT…I JUST HAPPEN TO LIKE THE GRAPHICS AND, I LIKE TO COVER UP MY RAMBLINGS WITH PHOTOS.

 

Today would’ve been my mom’s 58th birthday. Even though I don’t like talking about myself too much, I feel that I should dedicate a blog to her…so this is a warning to let you know that I am about to ramble about my mom:

In my eyes, Tita Terri (as she was lovingly called) was a strong and hard-working woman. Though she was not perfect by any means, she did her best so that I would live a decent life with her. We moved around a few times - from the islands to St. Louis, Missouri to San Jose, California then finally to Los Angeles; she relied on family and random, trustworthy friends - whom she would leave me with while she worked 2 jobs. She was brave; sometimes she would just take me and drive somewhere far to visit her friends in SF or Reno…then take me to the Monterey Bay Aquarium.

But it got too hard to support me so she sent me back home to live with my dad for 9 months. I hated her for it. I didn’t understand at the time why she would do that to me, but now I look back and I know she did it so she could work and have her own place for us, instead of living with friends.

By the time I came back from the islands, she had found God through some Christian co-workers. So she made me go to church and I hated that too. But I went anyway because I had no choice since I was only 10.

As I got older, she relied on God to discipline me, but she also learned to let me go and let me be my own person. Looking back I realized that I was an ungrateful piece of shit at the time, but that’s how it goes when you’re growing up trying to find yourself.

Terri was a soft-spoken, patient woman. She welcomed all my friends, whether she approved of them or not and always offered them something to eat. She liked to play the piano, have people come over to the house, go out to eat somewhere and watch a movie from time to time. She aspired to be a fulltime piano teacher, but instead she worked at the bank.Even though her life was cut short I can look back and say that her life was fulfilled. So thank you Mom, for all that you did. We love and miss you.  

See what happens when you are at work and have nothing to do, and everyone else is at home because they have today off? You feel frustrated and kinda angry, huh? You start thinking and overanalyzing shit and all kinds of random thoughts start entering the mind. Then you start rambling, and then blogging about it. So I hope you’ll excuse me if this blog doesn’t make any sense. And who reads this shit anyway? I think only my close friends read this, I’m pretty sure about that. Everyone else probably thinks I’m crazy and I blog too much. That’s fine. Haha! Enter insane laughter here. Anyway, I’m thinking of how to execute a 1950’s flying saucer in Adobe Illustrator, but make it so that you can fit chunks of text in it. For Earth vs. the Flying Saucers. Yes, I am semi-working, but I’m blogging at the same time. I’m kinda glad though, that I am not in serious debt like a few people I know; I think that would make my life more stressful. My life overall, is not that bad, so I should shut up and quit complaining. Gosh man, is it time for lunch yet? I’m fucking starving. 10 more minutes before lunch so I’m killing some time here. I don’t know what my next move will be as far as jobs go. I do know for sure that I enjoy designing, but would like to go into motion graphics, or web design. Who really knows what the future holds? By the time I finish this blog, it will be past tense. Strange. Life is weird. I feel like I’ve changed ever since my mom passed away, but not drastically like some people do, people who are still not sure of themselves, people who are still looking for an identity. I always knew who I was. Even now I’m still the same person, just different in some aspects I guess. Holy shit, this feels hella long. Come on 1:00pm! I think I’ll go now. And who knows? I might just delete this when I come back from lunch and realize how dumb this rambling session really was. Lates!

I’m gonna need some loud music to keep me going today. No rest for the tired and weary. I knew I should’ve worked late yesterday; now I’m behind and screwed, again. Fuck it, I should stop caring. Can’t please them all, right?

 

On the one hand, you try to see their point of view, and because they’re the art or creative director over you, they have to push you to produce your best, because it reflects on them.

On the other hand, you’re on the brink of madness and you feel like pulling your hair out because it never ends. You go back and forth between creative changes and sometimes you say to yourself ‘this is my personal hell’ and even though you keep chanting to yourself “i want to die, i want to die, i want to die” you’re still alive, you’re still here, you still have to show it to them and go round after round.

 And then you don’t know what to do with yourself so you just end up blogging about it. 

I HAVEN’T HAD TO TIME TO BLOG…I’VE BEEN WORKING LATE & BUSTING MY ASS OFF THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS ON SOME CHEESY, HISTORICALLY INACCURATE MOVIE TITLE THAT I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE DOING (ALONG WITH OTHER EXTREMELY TEDIOUS TASKS; I SERIOUSLY WANTED TO DIE THIS WEEK); BUT SINCE I AM THE MODEL EMPLOYEE (EVEN THOUGH NO ONE NOTICES) I GIVE MY JOB 110 PERCENT NO MATTER WHAT…SO INSTEAD I’LL JUST POST A MUSIC VIDEO FROM DM. HAVE A FANTASTIC FRIDAY EVERYONE.

- So sadly, I had to come back to myspace. It wasn’t my personal choice though! I do web design on the side sometimes, and my client’s newer photos are on myspace; I forgot to put them on his website. That sucks, I totally forgot, I felt real shitty, and so I had to get back on there. I was doing so good too; I had managed to stay away for a whole month; my goal was to stay away for 6 months, or better yet, not ever come back again. Ah, fuck it. So expect a friend request from me (that’s if i can find you).

 - I’m at work when most people have the day off. Fuck, I’m getting tired of being here. And, I’m rolling solo in my department today. Fanfuckingtastic.

- I took a class over the weekend; on the first day I felt like I was a little too advanced for it; 2nd day was better and I learned something that could be useful to my job and it was inspiring to see what other people came up with using the same assets. People were amazed that I had an actual job in the entertainment industry and asked me some questions. It made me realize that I had gained so much knowledge from just working.

- I have some gripes about my current living situation. I told myself that I would keep my negativity & complaining to a minimum this year; BUT…if some other bullshit happens and it gets really out of control to the point where our stuff gets damaged, we’re out.  

- I’m in the mood for some ramen since it’s cold and I’m starting to feel sick. Photo courtesy of http://biggestmenu.com